Fade to Black

I’m no stranger to spiritual seeking. As some of you know, I’ve been shopping around for the answers to life’s biggest questions for many years. I’ve tried Buddhism, Kabbalah, Transcendental Meditation, Reiki, crystal healing. I’ve even had a dabble with channeling aliens (although I was rather young and naïve at the time).

I’m a committed yogi. A strict vegetarian. Hell, I’m a cast-iron, copper-bottomed, dippy flipping hippy!

So when around five years ago, I stumbled upon a documentary about the transformative powers of Ayahuasca, I thought that this was right up my strasse. The film uncovered some pretty strong evidence that supported the extraordinary, enlightening efficacy of this so-called ancient medicine.

And after years of esoteric experimenting, the idea of indulging in an act so seemingly tangible, so utterly irrefutable…well, it was something I simply had to try.

Nonetheless, finding the right setting in which to indulge was no easy task and it was only when I met Michelle and Ruben last year that the pieces finally fell into place. They told me they only worked with the plants in their place of provenance, with healers who had been handed down the recipe of this special brew directly from its Incan origins. This sounded like the real deal. So I signed up immediately.

Three nights ago, after years of anticipation, I finally got my first taste.

And dear God… was it fuckawful!

The ceremony was held at night. In a huge domed room. In pitch darkness. Eleven of us took part. We were each assigned a bed, a bucket to throw up in and a roll of toilet paper to mop ourselves up with, if things got messy. Don Maximo, our ayahuascaro sat at the epicenter of our circle and began proceedings by smoking a shamanic cigarette, which he then chased down with a few shakes of his wreath of dead leaves, followed by a bout of intermittent whistling. We were then each handed a cup of the foul-tasting tincture and told to set an intention, before knocking the contents back.

I asked for the medicine to show me my path.

What I got was a two-hours of earache as Don Maximo crooned his ‘Icarros’ (shamanic songs), while the rest of the group proceeded to belch, fart and vomit their way into their out of body experiences.

Not to be outdone, I stuck two fingers down my throat and threw up just so I could fit in. I then spent a further two-hours sniffing the contents of my stomach as it lay there in the bowl at the end of my bed; did a bit of crying and then fell sound asleep.

The medicine had barely touched the sides.

When I awoke a few hours later, I was apoplectic. There had been no mind-altering effects. Not so much as a speck of a psychedelic swirl. Nor even a snifter of revelation. Nada.

So I stomped straight out of the room.

The following day, as my colleagues regaled their tales of cosmic travel, communing with their ancestors and connecting with the universe, I wanted to punch myself in the face. All I could share was the frustration of spending 10 hours enduring absolutely nothing, in total darkness. Spiritually speaking, I felt like an amoeba. My hair still wet from climbing out of the primordial soup.

But with one more bite of the ayahuasca cherry to go the next evening, I wasn’t going to take any chances.

I demanded a double dose.

The result? Not a fuck of a lot.

Aside from some vague pain in my head, which lasted for perhaps an hour, I basically fell asleep again.

Today, as I reflect and try to make sense of my two ‘healing’ experiences, I do admit I feel different. Happier somehow. Like some weight has been lifted. But was it the medicine? Or was it the result of two unbelievably good night’s sleep – something I rarely enjoy, thanks to a decade of unceasing insomnia?

Or is it simply that, to quote Richard Farina, “I’ve been down so long it looks like up to me”?

Perhaps, as Ruben suggested in our circle this morning, the medicine was working on me subconsciously and the impact will reveal itself more gradually, later on down the line.

All I know is that I am bloody glad we’re leaving the jungle tomorrow then flying home soon after where I am very much looking forward to being back in the warm embrace of my boyfriend and my straight-talking family and friends.